First and foremost, this post has been a long time coming. When I first started the “Real Life Blog” I wanted a place where I could vulnerably share what Jesus actively is doing in my life. I wanted to give myself along with others a safe place to be honest about similar struggles that we all share and spread encouragement, and to be honest with you guys I have been trying to learn and let God take control of areas in my life that I have been quick to hold on to. This lesson has taken longer than a few days or even weeks for me, this lesson has taken several months and is still unfolding. I think we can all agree that the year 2020 was a time that we all faced struggles that we never thought we would see in this lifetime, and for some of us that feeling, and struggle lingers into the year 2021. In this season I have been tested in multiple areas and almost simultaneously in a way that led me to feel stagnant in my faith. Over the past several months I have experienced redirection in a way that was unexpected. I have experienced MY “plans” be turned completely upside down and I have had to lean on God to completely take control over situations.
Dreams – we all have them. We all “dream” from an early age of what we want to be when we grow up. We all “dream” of our future careers, future spouses, and families, and we all “dream” for it to turn out exactly how we “dream” it to be. But the reality is that it doesn’t turn out like that. This past year I graduated from college in a field that I have completely fallen in love with. My college academic experience was not an easy one, and I had to experience several redirections and upsetting moments to obtain that accomplishment. When I graduated, I was expecting to get a job right away and everything would just fall into place and all my hard work and struggles would pay off and be smooth sailing…. just as I “dreamt” it. But that’s the thing, that was how I thought my “dream” would become a reality. My plan of getting a job right away with my degree did not pan out as I expected it to, and I was without a backup plan. I was overwhelmed and stressed and began to feel stuck on what path I should take.
I am the type of person that finds it difficult to ask others to pray for me in specific ways. I’d much rather keep things internally and put on a brave face. Now I know that this is not the way that God intended us to be as the community of believers, and it has taken me some time to be humble enough to share my personal struggles with others. My mom is usually the first person I go to when it comes to this “life” thing. She is one of the most spiritually strong women that I am blessed enough to have in my life. Usually when my plans don’t go as planned and I feel stuck and I just want someone to reach over and fix it she will look at me straight in the eyes and say, “Well Ashley, did you pray about it?”. To be honest, sometimes that is not what I want to hear in the moment but it’s what I need to hear. Usually, she tells me this when I am putting on a brave face and I have a mind set of “I got this all together”, “I know what I’m doing” but I really have no clue on my next step. So, I prayed…And I prayed…And I prayed. Hard. To be honest sometimes it felt like my prayers didn’t even get past the ceiling and like my feet were not taking the next step. Sometimes it felt like God had forgotten about me. I usually feel the closest to God when I am in worship. I find it so overwhelming when the words in the worships songs almost feel like they were telling my life story. During this season when my “dreams” weren’t going as planned I clung to the song “Way Maker” by Leeland.
There is a specific part I the song where the words go
“Even when I don’t see it, you’re working
Even when I don’t feel it you’re working
You never stop, You never stop working
You never stop, You never stop working”
These words hit me like a train. There were times where I would be worshiping, this song would come on, these words would be sung, and I couldn’t help but have my hands open and have tears running down my face because that was exactly the weight on my heart in that moment. I felt like I wasn’t seeing God move in my life and I felt like I wasn’t feeling a stirring where I was at. I felt stagnant. These words also reminded me of one of my favorite verses, John 13:7 “You do not understand what I am doing now. But later you will understand.” (ERV). This gave me hope and reminded me that I may not know what the future holds but my God does, and He goes before me. I had to completely surrender my “dreams” and my plans and my expectation of my future and wholeheartedly allow God to take over. Fast forward a few months I am currently working a job that I did not plan on after graduation. I am in a town that I did not plan on moving to. I have the opportunity to allow God to move through me in ways that I did not expect in my “dream”.
God is so good and demonstrates his goodness to us when we open our eyes to see it. When we can fully let go of what we thought the unknown should look like then we can begin to experience a certain kind of JOY that we haven’t experienced before.
JOY- The first definition you may think of is happiness or you may see this word around Christmas time, but what about in a spiritual context? I am learning that JOY in a spiritual context is when we can experience the feeling of happiness that is dependent on who God is rather than what is happening around us. Through this journey of redirection and trust I have begun to experience this type of joy. To be honest with you guys I have been joy-ful before and I have experienced joy in a warm and fuzzy happy kind of way but never like I am beginning to experience now. When we let go and trust we can experience his goodness and who he is in full extent.
To be honest I don’t even really know where all this will take me, but I say that whole story of my experiences over the past several months to say this, the moment you completely surrender EVERYTHING to God (yes, even those career plans, future spouse and family dreams, and that dream of the perfect ending) will you begin to experience his goodness to its full extent. And by no means do I know how this journey will end to be honest, I am still walking through it. But I have placed it all in God’s hands and I am now sitting back and enjoying the steps he is guiding my feet to take. He is a way maker, miracle worker, promise keeper, a light in the darkness, and Our God. That is who He is.
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